Guys I've Dated in L.A.
L.A., unfortunately, isn't a patchwork art piece of the most awesome and sweetest love stories. Except for the movies maybe, but behind the scenes it's really a unique place to date people. And we all know what I mean by 'unique'...
I recently finished writing my very own, very first book in which romance doesn't play a small part. I've always been all about love and fairy tales. The stories I'm sharing today aren't fairy tales, though. They are true and I'm writing them
1) to give you a little foretaste of the book, and
2) because not every guy's story fit into my book (I know this makes me sound like a serial dater).
I've been living in LA for almost nine years now, I went to school here, had a party phase, tried all the Dating Apps and even went to a vegan Speed Dating Event once. I don't think I can remember every single weird encounter I've ever had here, but here are some of my most memorable dating stories. Some more elaborately described than others. And you can take a guess which of these guys made it into the book.
My Most Memorable
1) The Options Trader with too many options
This guy lured me in on Hinge by saying, "You can have all those things you want." So naturally I was intrigued, considering the fact that my wants and needs are pretty specific. We had a nice phone call, and he made it clear that he wanted to meet me in person. The day came and because my catalytic converter had been stolen from my car, I asked him if he could pick me up. No problem, he said, but then he broke his car key and decided last minute that we would take the train. If you live in LA, you know that the metro isn't the best way to get around, or the safest for that matter. But he walked to my place to pick me up, and I liked that. He told me he makes his money through options trading and lives with some lady. We started to meet up more often, and it was equally nice and weird. But he did acknowledge he was a bit different from other people, and him knowing that put me at ease. He let me paint his nails in black, because he was a habitual biter. I even joked that at least no other girl would look at him now. He never wore underwear. Eventually he shared the news that he's finally moving out of his place and away from the "weird girl" he's been living with, to get his own place. But a week after he moved in, he mentioned he'd be moving out again. I was confused. Then he said he's moving out even earlier because his roommate found someone else already. I was even more confused, because he moved so he could live by himself. Then he said he's living with a friend until he will take a trip to see his family. He mentioned that he couldn't stay gone too long, because "he got people here now" and he smiled at me knowingly. But he never left. He mentioned about six different projects and companies to me that he said he's starting. I didn't doubt that he made a lot of money by trading stocks, but something still felt off. Until the day I got a random Instagram message from another girl, who it turns out he lived with the whole time and longer, and apparently dated, supposedly exclusively. She was even convinced they'd be getting married. Needless to say he got kicked out of two people's lives that day.
2) Flat Earth Groupons
I met him on OkCupid. He was very confident from the beginning. I had a gut feeling, but due to a lack of evidence, I didn't listen to it. So we went out on a spontaneous date, at a Chinese Restaurant. He wore red sweatpants, and he paid, with a Groupon. We ended up seeing each other almost every weekend for about three months. Once per weekend. He called me his "vacation" or "getaway" from the week, even though we only ever met at his place, where he also worked. He would ask me to come over at 6pm and then take me to Sprouts because he had to buy a bunch of Kale and a chicken breast every week. So he dragged me through the meat aisle, knowing good and well that I'm vegan, and that he could have just asked me to come over later. I was barely allowed to touch anything in his kitchen, and he lectured me on the important farting rule: Girls aren't allowed to fart. We are expected to go to the bathroom if we really can't hold it in. It's different for guys, of course. Why I stuck around, even after that? Let's just say my self-esteem and self-worth at the time haven't been fully developed yet. (Not sure if they have by now.) He was priding himself on consistently only having three percent body fat and sounding like a white guy on the phone to his clients. I usually stayed over, especially since we usually had a tiny bit of an edible together. But we didn't sleep in his actual bed, since his bedroom was where his work desk was in. At least that was the official reasoning behind us sleeping in his second bedroom, on a mattress on the floor, with a single flimsy blanket.
Sunday mornings were reserved for watching Squash on TV, followed by an in person squash match at the gym with his buddies. I was silently made aware that I was overstaying my welcome, if I stayed longer than 10 minutes after I opened my eyes in the morning. How he did that, you wonder? He made breakfast for himself without offering me anything, and if I sat down next to him on the couch he didn't engage me in any conversation until I said I should probably leave, after which he hugged me and opened the door for me. He took me out to eat once more, as well as for ice skating, but he did tell me that he would never do anything without a Groupon. After all, that would be wasted money, with all the Groupon deals out there.
Even with all that, I wanted to see him way more than he wanted to see me, and after a somewhat serious talk it was clear that we didn't want the same thing, since he didn't "believe in labels".
He did however believe in a flat earth. We watched documentaries together, because I'm curious about different points of views. But when he kept going on about the Illuminati and how gay people are influenced to be gay to reduce the world's population, and when he said "Do you see it? ... The curvature.." every time we were out or went on a hike, it started being a bit too much.
Lucky for me, he got really offended one day, when he was "dying" in his bed, because he had a one-day flu, and I sent him a funny meme about men exaggerating when they're sick. Let's just say he didn't take it too well. He told me I'm everything but nurturing, and also told me what all of his friends, who I've never met, think of me. Sometimes I need those wake-up calls to get out of something, and I'm glad I did. No more Groupon Dates for me!
3) The Nigerian Vegan Prince Doctor
Out of all these, this might just be the most memorable one. According to my friend Will, this is the most hilarious one. Like the headline suggests, this guy on paper has everything someone like me could want. He's vegan, therefore cares for animals. He's a doctor, so he also cares about humans, and probably has a decent amount of money. And he's a prince, which felt especially comical and fated after I told my best friend, two days before I met him, that 'I'm sure my vegan prince will come soon'. I matched with someone on Bumble (who wasn't him) and after a short conversation my match told me he's just visiting from out of town, but the friend he's visiting happens to be vegan and that he is so muscular, that he doesn't know how that works. I'm not going to lie, I was a bit intrigued, but it felt wrong to ask him to connect me with his muscular vegan friend. But I didn't have to ask. He offered to connect us, and before I knew it I had the prince's Snapchat info, and he started sending me pictures of his muscular body. He also told me that his dad owns a village in Nigeria and is considered a king, which effectively makes him a Nigerian Prince (minus the scam). We talked on the phone, and it seemed like we agreed on every major life topic, like spirituality, veganism, politics etc. I was sure that I had just met the love of my life, and on my hike with Will the following day, I couldn't talk about anything else, worrying at the same time that I might be jinxing it. When we finally met after a week, I was sweaty with nerves and so excited. And when I saw him I had a feeling, but there was no space for that feeling. He was wearing a flashy big watch and a fancy ring and necklace. He told me he has three passports from three different countries, that he is a citizen of. On our second date, at his place, we decided to watch a movie, and he decided that it would be "The Human Centipede". At this point, he had already told me that he's a pathologist and takes dead people apart for a living. (Not exactly the McDreamy picture I had in my head…) I knew little about what the movie was about, but let's just say I was mildly scared after he brought me some water from his kitchen, and that I have nightmare flashbacks to this movie till today. Luckily, I made it out in one piece, and we met up many more times, during which he called me 'mule', because he thought it was funny, told me I have 'stripper ankles', and told me about the times he gave his ex-girlfriend the silent treatment, because she said his parents didn't raise him right. He told me he's more like a robot when it comes to love, since his parents didn't give him any love. He was never friendly towards staff in restaurants and kept calling me names I didn't like. He told me his birthday was on July 18, the next time he said it was on July 19 and when I did a background check on him, it was on July 14, and he made himself three years younger. Of course, he always had a great explanation. He decided he wanted to keep a pair of pants of mine because he liked wearing them. He mentioned a big house his parents bought that he lived in, but it turned out that he lived there together with four other people and two tiny fish who were slowly dying. He always told me how dangerous it is to be on dating apps, but I'm 99 percent sure that it wasn't his friend who connected us. Because even after his friend left town, his location on the app didn't change. You could say the fish started rotting from all kinds of ends. In the end, I couldn't handle the narcissism anymore, and I had to let my perfect on paper vegan prince go.
4) The Actor
We met on Bumble. He was cute and we decided to meet. He paid for the first round of coffee drinks, so I paid for the second one. The date went well so he said we could go watch a movie. He wouldn't mind seeing "Black Panther" for a third time. He showed his movie pass and waited for me while I was paying for my ticket to see a movie he suggested we watch together. Than he asked me to 'hold his meat', while he went to get some cutlery for himself. This was the most hilarious thing to him for a long time, considering that I'm vegan. For our second date we met in the same area, but when we finally got to each other he told me he just got an audition in for the next day, and after going with him to print his lines he decided that he had to study and we should postpone our date. A lot of the things I said would make him laugh and everything became a script in his mind. "I just see you walking in here with like a fairy outfit on and then you sing like this..." I liked him, but the only time he was really available was late at nights, and so all that was left were quick messages on Instagram. I didn't consider this anything serious anymore. Until he found out that I was dating the vegan prince, and he started arguing that he cared about me and wanted to fight for me. I said that he doesn't have time for me anyway, but he argued that he sends me all these 15-second Instagram videos that he only makes for me, and asked if I don't consider that an effort. Hardly... He also considered it a big act of love to drive half an hour in the middle of the night to see me, for approximately an hour. We just have a slightly different understanding of things. He's also allergic to the word 'pee', and because he has a very graphic imagination I could never talk about any body functions or he would immediately get a bit upset. In his mind, men and women aren't that different and male priviledge basically doesn't exist. He wasn't a bad person at all, but he made me argue, and that made me crazy.
5) Other Dating Fails
Like I said, I probably don't remember every single weird encounter I've had, but especially during the pandemic I had some strange experiences. Like the guy who spoke German, but only ever called me when he was drunk. It was funny the first time, but when he facetimed me the second time and walked into the bathroom with me and then started peeing, that felt a bit like 'too much, too soon'. He tried calling me another five times, but we never met.
There was a guy who knew almost every vegan restaurant on the planet, but didn't ask me any questions on our walk together and it felt more like an interview with short answers.
And then there was the cop, who was one of the cops that helped out during the Vegas shooting and was named a 'Hero', who sent me nudes way before we even had a chance to meet.
I also met and briefly dated foot fetishists, a porn editor, a Rockstar's son, a personal trainer who ended up training people like Mandy Moore, and a Secret Service Agent. I can't say it gets boring.
I don't want all of this to sound like I am perfect and all of these guys are horrible people. Only some of them are... And I am far from perfect and somebody out there might be telling horror stories about me. But I find these things amusing. If I can't laugh about it, then what would I do?
I learned so much from all these dating fails. Most of all, that I need to listen to my gut instinct, and that my standards must be high and must be followed. I deserve more than a crappy version of the basics, sprinkled with some narcicissm. We all do.
I hope this blog post made you laugh a bit, or at least gave you a picture of what dating in LA can be like.
For more frequent updates from me follow my Instagram accouns @kathrinjakob and @yodelstar.